I didn't know what to write tonight, so I thought I would share a personal anecdote.

I've always been taught that God has a plan for my life, some awesome vocation that will lead me to sainthood.

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

I've spent a great deal of my life trying to find those plans for my life, as if there was a package of blueprints bundled together and hidden somewhere, if only I could find and read them.

At the beginning of college, I used to think I was supposed to be a doctor. I took all my pre-med classes, studied (or tried to, at least) for all my classes, prayed really hard to do well, and did horrible in them nonetheless.

In fact, in organic chem, my failure seemed to be proportional to my praying. The harder I prayed, the more God tried to tell me I was not supposed to be a doctor.

Well, with that plan destroyed, I figured God must be trying to point me to something else.

After multiple ideas all going up in flames, I realized that I must not be supposed to get to see the big picture for my life yet.

So, I figured that I could just try to figure out my life little by little, which sounded like a good idea for a while.

"I'll just get my degree and then see where life leads me."

Turns out, getting my degree wasn't going to be that easy to get, so I finally stopped trying to plan my whole college career at once and just tried to focus on one semester, or one other chunk of time.

I realized that God was trying to stop me from planning ahead, but I didn't realize how much He didn't want me to plan.

I had this whole summer planned out when it began - 5 million things to do, but just enough time to finish everything.

Of course, getting my leg amputated kinda threw a wrench in things.

"Ok, God," I said, "I can't plan a whole summer ahead. What about one week?"

When you're trying to follow ever-changing doctors' orders and go to physical therapy and manage stuff for school, a week becomes impossible to plan successfully.

"Wow," I thought, "Really, God? I can't even plan a week?"

Then, I thought it had figured it out. You know the saying:

Take life one day at a time.

Otherwise known as:

 Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil. - Matthew 6:34

But every time I try to plan a day, something goes terribly wrong.

Apparently, God doesn't want me to even plan a single moment ahead.

This is not to say that God doesn't want me to schedule appointments, try to keep them, etc. It is when I get too eager that God allows the turmoil to happen in my life, when I think I've figured out His plan.

So, wondering why God wants me to be so confused about my future, I went back to that first Bible verse.

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

Oh! That makes more sense!

See, I have this awful tendency (I think it's called pride) of thinking that I could figure out God's plans on my own, as if He'd just left them somewhere, bundled up in a big pink ribbon, so that I could scour the Earth and figure out where I belong.

But, really, I can't ever find my path as long as I scour the Earth. I have to rely completely on God.

Since I'm stubborn, God allowed me to get to the point where I have to call out to Him for help in order to walk across the room, so that I might become fully reliant on Him.

So, this is where I am. I have no idea where God wants me to go, and I'm not going to try to guess. I'm simply going to say, "Lead, Lord, and I shall follow," and then go where the Good Shepherd herds me.

I don't know in what way any of this might help you, but I just felt compelled to share all this. I hope you gain something from it.

I'm praying for you!

:)