I lie to myself about prayer

I think one of the biggest lies I tell myself is that my prayer life is "evolved" beyond structure and habit, that I don't need to establish a routine because I live in constant prayer.

Of course, it's obvious that I don't actually live in constant prayer, but since I randomly talk to God at different points during the day, I pretend that random constitutes "constant."

I picked up a book today about "Dynamic Catholics," and it said, "Establish a routine every day, even something small."

To which I replied, "Oh, I have a routine. I talk to God throughout the day. I pray 15 Hail Mary's, 1 prayer to St. Thomas, 1 prayer to Jesus. And then I write Josh's blog post and I write in a prayer journal and I talk directly to Jesus right before I go to sleep."

I know, super impressive, especially given that my Lenten resolution was "go to Mass every day for the rest of my life."

But then the book was like, "Do this routine at the same time every day," and I said, "I do!"

But then I thought about it, and I don't. I mean, I generally do it all right before bed, although I might pray the Hail Mary's and such at random points throughout the day. But I never go to bed at the same time, so it can hardly count as a routine.

But even if it is a routine, it's rather a lame one.

Because if I'm honest, my daily "prayer" routine looks more like this:

1. Go about day doing whatever I want. If something bothers me, say "God, why?!"

2. When bored, mindlessly recite Hail Mary's and the two other prayers for the Confraternity of Angelic Warfare while actually concentrating on something else, anything else. 

3. At some point, probably really late at night, remember Josh's blog. Google "cute animals" and then copy the picture into a "blog post." Add "I'm praying for you!" because that makes it look legit.

4. Open prayer journal. Think of generic well-wishing statement. Does it fill up 1 line? Awesome. Add "amen." That makes it a prayer.

5. "Dear Jesus, help everyone. I love you. Goodnight."

I honestly don't know where I was going with this blog post, other than some weird confession that, despite the fact that Jesus spoke to me at Lourdes and told me that my vocation was to speak for Him, I have spent the last few months pretty much actively avoiding any true conversation with Him.

I'm praying for you! (looks legit, right?)

:)